One million and thirteen

This is my view.  Right now. I am laying in the couch,  staring out the window.

There are a million and thirteen thoughts in my head; so many in fact,  that the pain is almost excruciating.  I've been keeping  a lot of thoughts internalized lately.  Perhaps that's triggering the pain.  I came across this old abandoned blog today...  A place for gratitude to the universe,  a place for thoughts to go when I can't find the way to let them be...  And as I let my self twist with the clouds out beyond the glass that separates me from that wicked whirl wind, I find an oxymoronic peace in the chaos.

Dear Universe,

Thank you for shutting the cat up that has been meowing at the laundry room door for no apparent reason for the last half hour. I have gratitude for silent moments.

Thank you for the wind outside that is cleaning  the soil and sand on the driveway after yesterday's flower bed cleaning. I enjoy having one less physical task today while I enjoy the cleanliness at my feet.

Thank you immensely,  dear Universe,  for TV On Demand episodes of The Good Wife that occupy my attention after nine hours of monotonous safety at work.  I enjoy not having to think for an hour.  (I also enjoy the scandal in front of me not being one of my own).

I have gratitude for a gloomy sky while I lay on the couch at 5:30 this evening,  no sun egging me out to play, allowing my body to just rest.

Insert gratitude for leftovers in the fridge here. Dear Universe,  I am grateful for the abundance of nourishment remaining from previous hard work that allows me to keep my ass on the couch for another half hour.

In these moments of silence,  I will opt for gratitude for teenage children who either work or have retreated to their bedrooms for teenage things.  It's been a long couple of weeks of haggling and banter and I am happy to have a conversation with no one at all.

It's starting  to thunder outside,  the sky is threatening rain,  and I am immensely grateful for the silent understanding of my emotion.  The rain,  I am sure,  will wash away much of what's been lingering, creating a haze and a dusty clarity.  Maybe there will be some light in the sky... Just for a bit.

The depths of my aching,  reaching soul lay at your feet,  dear Universe,  in offering of all that I am in gratitude for the interruptions I have in thoughts like these ones. Interruptions of my darkness with sparks of light,  cushioned in passionate adoration,  simply with the justification of knowing it exists.  Thank you for simple love in complicated situations, and thank you for it's communication.  Tomorrow I shall thank you for it's touch.

And thank you, my sweet solace and confidant,  for blessing my life with true,  wondrous friendship,  where my decisions are my own,  judgement falls to the wayside,  and acceptance is gentle and always available. Thank you for their encouragement to follow my heart, and trust me to do what I know may not always be easy,  but is right for me.

The winds are blowing.  Someone I once knew always says 'the winds of change are blowing hard'.  Today,  I am grateful for it being someone I once knew, while at the same time being saddened for the same reason. I also have gratitude knowing sometimes the wind blows to move the storm past,  and sometimes the wind just blows to blow.

I seem to be in the middle of it all...  These thoughts,  these moments,  this storm...  But this too shall pass,  and I will be grateful, dear Universe.

That'll Do

Dear Universe,

That'll do...

I mean...

Thank you, Universe, for the spring thaw you have brought us.  Thank you for the house that holds my family, keeping us safe, warm, and DRY.   Thank you for our strong foundation and our healthy bodies that allow us to run around fixing anything that may pop up - like leaking outdoor faucets or wet basement carpets.

Thank you for the magnificent father you have blessed me with who, as always, is my hero and saved my day.  I am forever grateful for the gift that he is.

Thank you, Universe, for understanding people who share my space, despite everything I have to continually fix....

Thank you for a hot shower, and a warm bed and relief for these heavy eyelids of mine.

And that'll do...

Shaking Off a Restless Night

Dear Universe,

Thank you for clearing my confusion this morning after a restless night filled with shaking dreams and full thoughts.  Thank you for the chocolate coffee in my hands, and a quiet morning.  Let this day be swift and productive, and I shall welcome with open arms an evening with a sweet friend.  Thank you for the day ahead of me.

Slow Moving Trains

Dear Universe,

Thank you for the smile this day will bring my way.  Thank you for the beautiful people it will be filled with. Thank you for instilling me with the patience I need, both for those around me and for the sake of restraint. Thank you for slow moving trains and the audible progress they offer, secure in their tracks. 

Dear Universe

I was recently told to be very careful with my words, as I often get what I ask for.  I was also reminded that when one speaks with wants and of needs ("I need, I want"), one gets wants and needs; I have found often far more of people come wanting and needing from me.  And so, without even asking, I was taught quickly a new way of inviting things into my life...and it goes a little something like this:

Thank you, Universe, for the opportunity to share kind words with those around me.  Thank you for the opportunity to teach when I can, share my energy with those that accept it, and the wisdom to know when to walk away.  Thank you for bringing to my life people who make me stronger, who make me feel safe in who I am, and who encourage me to grow.  

It's been a week since this life lesson, and I have to say, it's changed me.  It's changed my way of thinking, my way of speaking, and my way of changing the things I can.  As I drove to work today, I thought to myself, this is my opportunity to start something new to share. Nothing complicated, just daily affirmations, life lessons, and yes, sometimes pleading.  I have noticed a significant change in the way things unfold, and I can't help but smile inwardly, taking some sort of small responsibility.

"...you're sleeping better, you say?" and inwardly I say "your welcome", remembering last night's "Thank you Universe for providing restful peace and nourishment for his soul.  Thank you for restraint of restlessness..."  and I thank the Universe for tangible affirmations that assure me my efforts heard.

And so, my friends, welcome to Dear Universe. 

May the Universe bring to your life what you have brought into mine. Thank you for joining in this journey. 


p.s. Please don't think for one second that this will always be inspirational and froofy... but I do promise it will be filled with real life.  I say this because this morning, it sounded a lot like this in my head - "Thank you, Universe, for giving me the restraint I need to not slap the heck out of my daughter when she is frustrated -unknowingly to the rush of hormones that threatens to end me every single day.  Thank you for the patience to  teach her kind words when she needs them with sternness that brims her eyes with tears, knowing it is far more painful for me - though she'd never believe it."  

May your day be filled with a new way of thinking, and most of all, gratitude.